Kiki looks into first impressions

You never get a second chance to make a first impression or however the saying goes; but, dating apps and the dates that follow really are a series of first impressions. The people texting may end up being duds in person, and duds in texting may end up being the one, because on dating apps there is the online impression and the in person one, both of which are really just first impressions of the same person.

I have had a series of unfortunate events in the first impression department with as many first dates as I have been on. Below is just a smattering of that.

First up was the man who, when I walked in, had such a blue backlight that I did not recognize him, and he did not stand up or approach me. So we sat staring, me confused about whether that was my date and him seemingly nonchalant. When I called to see if that was him, he did not pick up the phone, so we stared for a good seven minutes before I walked up to him and asked, “Do we know each other?” to which he replied, “Not really.” Anyway, that actually was my date.

Then there was the man who was a great texter, so funny. He seemed very worldly and well traveled and had such great stories. Our first date would have gone better had he not had a curfew earlier than my four year old niece. It turns out he was on probation. And all those stories: books and movies he had read or seen.

The date that never showed up but texted later to see how I was. Now, did I ask him if he fist fought his mom based on some inclination I had? Yes. But if he was so offended, maybe he should have said something so I did not drive forty four minutes on a Sunday for a date that he knew he was not going to come to.

I have had a total of three dates who lied miserably about their height, all hovering around 5’8″ or 5’9″ on the profile and 5’2″ or 5’3″ in real life. One man believed his own lie so much so that when I called him out he insisted he really was 5’9″. He said this all while looking almost directly in my eyes. For reference, I am 5 feet.

There was of course the man who used pictures from his glory days and then showed up not at all in his glory days.

One man spoke incessantly about his ex. I finally asked if, were she to call, would he leave this date immediately. He did not say no to this question.

There was the man who took me to a baseball game and kept explaining the game to me while emphasizing that the pitcher was the position he had played. For some reason it bothered him when I asked if the pitcher we were watching was better than him since he was on the field while we were in the stands.

Numerous dates whether in person or on line have felt the need to discuss their sexual proclivities or make the most offensive references out the gate, some using emojis as if that would somehow make it less vile; but there is just something about having to solve a Pictionary style sentence of sexual innuendo that just makes it worse.

And of course the date who made reservations, texted me the reservations, but at the last minute decided to cancel and told me word for word, “Do not bother going to the restaurant I will not be there and I cancelled the reservation I made.” I am not one to leave things alone or be told what to do, so I showed up anyway. He had taken someone else.

Although none of these men were ‘the one’ they definitely were someone.

Kiki looks into age gaps

The truth hurts one time, a lie hurts 7,000 times. ~ Khloe Kardashian

Trying to be in any type of healthy connection after a toxic relationship is not for the weak. Doing it after two back to back toxic situations is nearly impossible. I didn’t even realize just how traumatized I was until I met TeamThirtyThree.

Once I began to see how unhealthy the behavior had been between my ex and me, I allowed myself to go out, date, meet new people, and build up the little self-worth that remained. I quite literally stumbled on TeamThirtyThree during a girl’s night out when a lot of alcohol and extracurriculars were involved. He seemed gentle even in our first run in, and funny. He made me giggle and let me be silly. That was the best part. Surprisingly, that first night, with all my antics, he just played along: never judging. In almost eight years of relationshits, my silliness had been lost; the whimsical, soft part of my personality had been buried, replaced instead with deeply jaded views.

From our first date, TeamThirtyThree listened to my stories seemingly excited to hear them and, in later meet-ups, referenced what applied to the conversation at hand. What a novelty it was for me that someone cared enough to remember the things I had said. Any tomfoolery coming out of my mouth rolled off him; he just played along. Nonsensical invitations were accepted without questioning why I would use silly evites or memes to set up a date; he just RSVPd and showed up. One time, I asked him if he would try a popular TikTok dance trend with me, and he did so without hesitation. I would have never dared ask either of my two past partners, for fear of being mocked. There was a safety in TeamThirtyThree that didn’t exist with the others. He brought out a joy and softness I had forgotten was there. He allowed me to be loving toward him- something that had only been met with rejection from my ex.

It wasn’t all roses, though. My past relationships didn’t allow me to trust him, and I made several comments about him lying—enough that he eventually asked me to stop because of how unsettling it was. It turned out TeamThirtyThree truly couldn’t lie; it simply wasn’t in him. In another instance, we were texting about plans, and I was convinced he would stop replying and not follow through. I was so certain of this outcome that when he did show up, I cried. It felt surreal that a person could make plans, commit, and follow through. That was when I realized how imbalanced my last relationships had left me.

Because I am continuing this blog, it does mean TeamThirtyThree left, but I knew it was going to end, and that was the other part. From the beginning, he was very clear with his intentions, showing me all the information I needed to make a decision about how I wanted to proceed. Imagine that: a casual fling being the healthiest most honest communication I experienced in almost eight years. Right now, sitting with my feelings, I regret the choice I made, and part of me wishes I’d never met him because it’s just another disappointment in a long string of those; but it also shone a light on what I had come to accept and expect as normal. It showed me how I had changed myself and shrunk to fit someone else’s needs. I expected so little that effort seemed magical enough to send me to tears. If anything, TeamThirtyThree returned me to myself. As I am wrestling with the sadness, I am also acknowledging that there is no way I can ever return to the place I was, where I gave up all the part of myself and my happiness so someone else could find theirs.

Kiki looks into dating… that’s it just trying to date

Dating as a broken person is daunting. Not only are the dates often ridiculous, but I have less patience than I used to. I’m tired in a way that doesn’t show on dating profiles, and that exhaustion makes everything feel like tiny paper cuts on my soul: painful for such innocuous marks.

Recently, I went on a date with a man who turned out to have very, very different views from mine, though none of that came out until we were already face to face.

Don’s profile wasn’t sketchy. There were no obvious red flags or clues suggesting he’d turn out to be an absolute a-hole. Did he have of a “bro” vibe, sure; but, was he also from the East Coast, yes- which is why this didn’t quite line up. When we messaged on the app, things flowed easily enough that we exchanged numbers quickly and texted as if we had been good friends for a while and still nothing alarming came up.

There was one small thing we didn’t agree on, musical artists, but it seemed harmless at the time. Just one of those hmmmm differences I file away and move on from. I didn’t know then that it would end up meaning more.

The day of the date, we met for ice cream and decided to walk around the cute downtown area nearby. It should’ve been easy. Casual. Like I said above two old friends catching up seeing if there might be more. Instead, he decided this was the perfect moment to unload all of his strange relationship predilections. I told him it was too early for that kind of conversation, but he kept pushing. Each comment edged a little closer to subjects I’d asked to be avoided, until I finally had to change the conversation altogether.

At the time, I wondered if I was just annoyed at being out with someone new, someone who wasn’t my ex. This was one of my first dates since the “breakup,” for lack of a better word. Was this actually weird behavior, or , was I just projecting my sadness? It was hard to tell.

But as he kept talking and then mocking me I realized I wasn’t wrong at all. It was in fact intentional, inappropriate border line foul behavior. He was openly supportive of current policies supporting everything I abhor and he wouldn’t let it go. He just kept pushing. At one point we tipped into the absolute abhorrent and very much engaged in an actual shouting match about language, current events, and yes musical artists.

I think my anger and the urge to absolutely demolish a man with all the rage I’d bottled up during my relationship kept me rooted there, shouting back. The fact that we didn’t physically tussle was honestly surprising. But the moment I realized I was on the verge of a fist fight with a grown man, I snapped back to reality: I have a pace maker now and can’t be swinging but there was a time.

I shoved my chair back and stormed off. It would be another month before I considered going on a date.

Kiki looks into intermittent fasting

I intermittent fasted on a date once (not on purpose or anything), but because my date had “made it clear,” apparently, that we were only having drinks.

I matched with Hugh, and we exchanged sporadic messages in the app. I didn’t think it would lead anywhere and was preparing to move on. However, almost at the exact moment I was getting ready to delete the match, as though he had somehow caught wind of this ship-jumping, he asked me out and even planned the day and time. He also did a great job checking in leading up to the date to make sure we were still on. This may seem like an innocuous detail, but anyone dating now will tell you: if they don’t check in, at least day of, that date is not happening. That small gesture buoyed my hopes things would go well.

I arrived before him at a bustling restaurant, where a crowd hovered near the host stand waiting to be seated. I slipped into the bar section and noticed a couple gathering their things. I slid in after them, but the bartender shut it down immediately: that section was closing, he said. Then, as if on cue, another couple offered up their seats and with a menu still on the table! I scanned through the hefty pages until Hugh finally arrived. The restaurant was still churning, so the plates from the previous diners remained untouched. After deciding on my meal, I handed the menu to my date thinking we would at least get a snack. It was in that moment that he looked me straight in the eyes and said, very distinctly, “I thought I made it clear we were only meeting for drinks.”

That was in that instant I decided I would be leaving as quickly as possible. Unfortunately, the Fates had other plans for me. When the server eventually came by to clear the plates, he offered us a bread basket. My date again declined, though he did order himself a drink. I stuck with water, already plotting my escape.

Because of the rush of customers, our drinks took forever to arrive. So there I sat, listening to a man’s life story with not even a crumb of bread to distract me from what had become my loud, growling stomach.

When the drinks finally appeared, Hugh sipped slowly and kept talking. I committed fully to what had now clearly become a water fast. At some point he paused, but I barely noticed. I was too busy watching plates pass by salivating at other people’s meals. When he finally asked me a few questions, I answered halfheartedly, my attention completely hijacked by the cakes circling through the room.

Once the drinks were gone, I ended the date, not because of anything he said, but because I was starting to worry I’d lose consciousness trying to make it to my car. Drive through after a bust of a date just hits different.

Kiki looks into dating while ethnically ambiguous

I am Greek, but my dating profile is cleared of any background, I figure they’ll learn soon enough any way; yet, somehow, within just a few messages, many men feel compelled to interrogate me about where I am “originally from,” what my “ethnicity” is, where my family is from, or, in one particularly surreal variation, “what skin tone is that.”

At times, the assumptions are almost comical. During one especially awkward text exchange, a man concluded that my clumsy typing meant I must be a second-language learner and generously offered to switch to my “native language.” To be fair, I was travel-swiping in New York, jet-lagged and typing faster than I was thinking.

Other interactions are far less amusing. One man opened the conversation by offering to meet me at the airport gate to travel “back to my home country.” That was his first message. The. First. Message. Nothing on my profile suggested I wasn’t Californian, yet he had already decided I didn’t belong. He either appointed himself my travel buddy or something a little more nefarious. I didn’t stick around to find out which.

What’s striking is that this behavior isn’t limited to dating apps. In person, strangers also feel entitled to speculate, confidently cycling through different ethnicities as though they’re guessing answers on a game show. The casual way people, usual those with no ethnicity assign identities to others is unsettling; especially when there’s no context, invitation, or relevance.

Over time, I’ve had to get creative with my responses. Once, a man decided that my hair texture alone revealed my background and used that assumption as his opening line. The conversation quickly turned into an impromptu lesson on basic genetics, complete with Mendel’s pea chart, material I assumed we had all encountered by ninth-grade biology, if not earlier.

These moments pile up. Individually, they may seem small, awkward, or even absurd. But they form a pattern: the quiet insistence that someone must explain themselves, justify their presence, or belong somewhere else. And that insistence often arrives unprompted, wrapped in curiosity, humor, or “just asking,” but it’s rarely as innocent as it seems.

Kiki looks into finding herself

We could have just stayed strangers, when one door closes another opens, I was given a box of darkness.. and other platitudes, cliches, and quotes are applicable here. I have read a lot of them trying to get my brain to make sense of all of this

I fell in love with someone who wouldn’t have cared if I ran headfirst into a brick wall. I knew, logically, that I needed to detach. Emotionally? That was another story entirely. When I finally walked away, because it was me not him who let go I did it crying, kicking, and screaming like a full-blown toddler. And it wasn’t because I stopped loving him I knew though he’d never love me or be loyal.

For a long time, I left my heart with someone who never protected it. And honestly, that was an expensive mistake, especially considering I’d just had open-heart surgery. New valves, a repaired heart… and somehow he got mine for free. The audacity; but I digress.

I thought that would be the thing that destroyed me: the leaving, the phone never showing his number again, the silence between us; but it didn’t. Piece by piece, Im finding myself again and I have the ridiculous dates to prove it.

Kiki looks into trying again

Two years ago I stopped writing. Not because I met someone and had my happily ever after, quite the opposite actually. Even as I sit here and try to find the words for this on and off relationshit, I am not entirely sure I am ready to write again let alone enter the dating world. Given the last few attempts I’ve had: including actively trying not to cry because they are not Ryan, feeling like I am somehow cheating even though we haven’t spoken or seen each other in months, and one particularly eventful date where I almost fought a grown man (but for other reasons) I am not sure the dating world is ready for me to enter it either. So I think this blog may become a mix of ‘healing journey’ testimony and the dates along the way. It definitely can no longer have a Narnia theme. Narnia ended joyfully for the children and the land. I cannot currently even fathom everything working out in the end; so this may just become a stream of consciousness catharsis where I work myself back to a semblance of myself before we met.

Kiki looks into unexpected heartbreak

You let somebody in, you know? And then, you make room. Then they go. And yeah, the room’s still there. ~ Sam Sylvia

When Mr. Tumnus the faun saw Lucy for the first time and learned what she was, he made up his mind to kidnap her and bring her to the witch. After getting to know her though he let her escape rather than fall victim to the majesty’s wrath (telling Lucy outright of his previous plan and then helping her to safety). In many ways, I wish people in the dating world were like that: just brutally honest about their intentions so, like Lucy, we could escape with all pieces of ourselves and faith intact. But if that were the case this blog would not exist.

Like Lucy meeting a talking faun, meeting Ryan jarred me. He made me nervous from the beginning. He was open and vulnerable, something most people in LA avoided. He talked about a variety of subjects and was so articulate about them, his experiences within them, and their connection to the collective that any time I spoke I felt like I was that man I went on a date with that talked for an hour plus about his protein intake- just absolute dribble.

Despite my nervousness and own feelings of being off kilter anytime I was around him, Ryan still seemed to want to see me and more importantly talk with me. We made plan after plan to see each other. The anxiousness was always there, but so was reassurance that I was not, in fact, as ridiculous I believed. And like I do when I am interested in someone I make room for them, blindly believing in their goodness. Like Lucy trusting a talking faun with no rhyme or reason, I trusted Ryan.

The whole of the story of Narnia took place over a longer period of time than our dating did, and regardless of the small window , I still managed to get my heart chipped. I won’t know if my ridiculousness, my overthinking, or the tangible fact that I could never quite be all of myself is what did it; but, what I do know is that I made a space for someone and that space remained after they left.

Kiki looks into dating scrubs

Dating in LA can be a long distance relationship, depending on what part of the city each person lives in. When the kids moved from the closet in England to Narnia, although it wasn’t more than a few steps in, they ended up traveling very far from home. It is similar in LA. People can live one city over and, depending on traffic, that could be a thirty plus minute commute. When one person lives in a beach city, and the other one lives across town in a whole other beach city it can become even more complicated getting together because there is no accounting for traffic on the 405 at any time of day or night.

And although it was not a day’s journey, as Peter, Susan, Edmund, and Lucy found out when they walked through Narnia trying to get to the stone slab, it can be a trek when trying to meet up with people all over the southland- in particular when one does not have a car. With that being said, although a car is not necessary, if one plans on dating anywhere outside of a 5 mile radius from where they live and are not willing to Uber because of the price, they should definitely set their dating preference to no more than a few miles to keep the tab and their walking shoes within a reasonable range.

I once had a man meet me at a very popular tourist destination ( the half way point between our two homes) on one of those green Birdy scooters. Mine was a 45 minute commute by car- I can not imagine what his was. To be fair, he arrived punctually- not even mentioning his mode of transportation until well into the date -which is more than can be said for others- I’m looking at you sir who casually walked us by your Porsche and pretended you didn’t know the make of your own car. But I digress.

More recently I have had a couple of people who tried to get me to come to their city or even their home, because as it turns out, they don’t drive. One of them had a car just did not feel comfortable driving in traffic; but, did not seem to have any problem with me navigating through it since he invited me to his home for date one. I wasn’t on tour so skipped that one. A short time later I matched with a man named Bob. He seemed pretty anxious to meet but when we texted through the app and then exchanged numbers he didn’t call for a few days. When he finally did he said that he was looking forward to us getting together more to the point he actually said, “I’m very excited for you to come to my city.” We hadn’t discussed location, time, or day and he knew very well I’ve spent most of my adult life in LA so it’s not as though he was going to give me a tour of somewhere I didn’t know. It confused me that he had already decided where we were going without asking. When I suggested places halfway between our two cities, he just kept moving the date back closer to his original city. At that point I knew something was up but decided to hold off on calling anything out.

On the day of I was running behind and so almost 2 hours before the date I texted and let him know that was the case. He did not respond to that, but instead tried to video chat me through other apps, and then only answered my text at an hour before said meeting time. When I was out the door, I communicated the time that I was going to get there and proceeded to drive to the location. He finally texted as I was pulling into the place to let me know that he was trying to arrange a ride and was going to be late. It was at that point that I confirmed my suspicions about why he had tried to keep the date so close to a particular city. He had no actual car. This though did not stop him from trying to date in cities 20 plus miles outside his home. He even tried to suggest I may have been to blame for his tardiness since the later time I had suggested had thrown him off, even though he had two hours to prepare for it. He went on to say he didn’t know where we were meeting so didnt want to leave until that was certain. This was new information for me since we had agreed to a place- more pointedly a place he suggested. At that juncture, I backed right up from the spot I parked in and unlike the newly crowned kings and queens of Narnia, made my way home deflated rather than elated.

Kiki looks into dating internationally- locally

Although I have been bamboozled a few times by my own people I keep trying to date them, similar to how Edmund knows deep down the queen is bad but just convinces himself she may not be so keeps going back to find her. I am just going to take a minute and revisit going out with my own people which happened not too far in the past.

I had a very interesting date with a man who claimed to also be Greek. Nick was not very communicative by text when we matched and I did call him out on it- nothing changed, so I guess he had the Greek stubbornness down pat. Regardless, we set up a date locally, and we haltingly continued to talk about our common interest- being Greek.

The day of the date I showed up to the restaurant after he did- I was not late, but he had actually gotten there a little early and had the waitress seat him- very unGreek of him. When I asked him where he was sitting instead of telling me where he instructed me to ask the waitress to take me back to him like he was a king of some kind. He did not even offer to come out and meet me at the front of the restaurant. I let the hostess know my party was seated and proceeded to wander the establishment looking for a person I was supposed to recognize from some vague pictures. I knew it was gonna be bad.

When I finally did locate him he stood up and hugged me. It was a very awkward side hug then he sat himself right down, looked me square in the my eyes and with a straight face said, “You are so lucky to be here with me.” That sounded very Greek, but that’s where the commonality ended and it was downhill from there. I could not keep my mouth shut so responded with: “Why would you have that thought and then say it out loud?” He made a wide sweep with his arms seemingly pointing out the restaurant but remained silent expecting me to know what he meant. I just continued to stare at him at which time he filled the silence by telling me he “knew the manager and his friend was part owner” As a note a.) we were not in LA for this to happen and b.) that’s not a personality trait for me to value.

This exchange was quickly interrupted when the waitress brought us each a glass of champagne- he had “taken the liberty of ordering me a drink” but had never asked if I even drank – I don’t. He was upset to find this out. Before he could say anything else, we were brought some kind of amuse bouche. When I asked what it was or what he ordered, instead of telling me he really doubled down on me being lucky to be there with him and replied that: “it was specially made for us.” “From the kitchen,” he continued. I expressed concern as to where our other food orders would be made from but he didn’t get my joke.

Conversation from there on was fairly stilted. We did not see eye to eye on any subject, and as it turned out, he had just broken up with somebody a few days previous. When I said that it was surprising he was dating so soon after he’d broken up with somebody, he did not see why it was “my business as to his dating timeline. ” Then when I was asking him seemingly normal first date questions, i.e. what brought him to California from his home state he stated that-”it was a traumatic event” and I “shouldn’t be asking those types of questions.” To which I spit out, “please learn to lie because that’s a normal question to ask on a date.” It was a very quiet dinner after that.

I guess dating Greek or part Greeks is not in the cards for me. As Edmund and I learned, one should always trust their instincts even in the face of food and drinks.